Gamers’ Guide to Women

As a member of the dudes community, I’d like to share something with the dudes out there about women. This is the dzimonotion Gamers’ Guide to Women . Before we start, I have a disclamer: I am in no way a ‘pro’, I just learn from friends and experiences. And this guide is just for fun

Guys, let me introduce you to the age-old game The Relationship Conqueror. This is a strategy game. You start by selecting a map named after the girl you have your eyes on. I’m on the RD_Med map, but please find your own map because I’m NOT, I repeat, NOT sharing. Your ultimate mission is to conquer the map by converting the girl to your girlfriend. Before you start, you need to purchase the following item:

Emotional Recovery Pack (ERP)
The ERP makes sure you don’t become insane or commit suicide after getting rejected. The Rejector is your main enemy in this game and deals lot of damage if you’re not prepared for it. The ERP reminds you that getting rejected is very normal and it doesn’t necessarily say anything about you. Any girl can drag you to her Recycle Bin no matter how ‘nice’ she treats you because you don’t know her enough yet. What you have to do is respect her decision and move on. She’s not yours. In other words, continuous pursuing after rejection is like spamming. Whatever you say/do will just make her feel worse. The ERP is needed for all levels because, well, you never know when failure comes. Once used, do not proceed to further levels, but try another map instead, preferably after a few months. Proceeding on the same girl is spamming!

An important rule and tip before starting: You can only play ONE map at a time. Playing more than one map will likely result in permanent ban from the maps and possibly her friends. When selecting a map, it is easier if you are the only player. Having another player on the same map may interrupt your strategy or probably persuade Rejector to attack you. Okay, let’s start!

Level 1: Introduction

Objective: Get yourself Bookmarked
If you’re a website, then at this level you want her to bookmark you but don’t expect to be in Favourites yet. The most simple thing is giving a nice smile. Not stalker/rapist smile, but just a ‘you made my day’ one. Introduce yourself to show you do not intend to stalk. Personally, I don’t agree with pick-up lines cuz I think if you feel unnatural trying to approach a girl, then probably it’s uncomfortable to be with her anyway. Bonus points for looking and smelling good. Basically you want to be the nice Welcome page of a website that may or may not have interesting stuff, but it’s her task to discover . Remember, no staring please, but do maintain eye contact, gentlemen.

Level 2: Map Analysis

Objective: Determine her legibility
Try to get in her Favourites list. Ask the basic questions like her name, age, origin and do get a confirmation regarding gender (whoops ). Next is to find out her likes/dislikes…but don’t just ask “What U like?”, FIND out. Take a look at her…what is she doing, what music is she listening to..blablabla. Take notice and talk about this things. Then, most importantly, find out (again, better don’t just simply ask) her Difficulty Rating, explained below:
1 star = desperate cheap whore
2 star = single and looking
3 star = single but not looking
4 star = got boyfriend
5 star = lesbian
This guide covers Difficulty 1 to 3 star only. I’d recommend avoiding Difficulty 1 star, but it’s up to you. Oh, Facebook helps.

Level 3: Execute Mission Phase 1 (Destroy defense towers)

Objective: Get her to like you
By ‘destroying defense towers’ I mean pave your way to get into her life. Now be interesting, but not full swing yet. Display a nice Personality, as in help her with stuff or text her from time to time (everyday is okay, but not all day). Don’t share every detail about you yet cuz she’s not sharing everything with you for now. Don’t talk about feelings or rant about your hard day cuz she’s not interested about that. Do not equip item Commitment yet because it makes you receive extra damage from Rejector. Start to determine whether you really like her or not. Don’t think with your dick. She may be hot but doesn’t mean she will be a suitable partner. If you decide Yes, proceed. If No, change map.

Level 4: Execute Mission: Phase 2 (Deploy ground troops and artillery)

Objective: Get her to deem you special
Right-click on Personality and upgrade from Nice to Sweet. Now you’re starting to ‘attack’ her. Equip item Commitment Lvl 1 (2x damage from Rejector). At this level, determine if she’s up for your commitment level or relationship expectations as well. You can start to buy her dinner (because you care for her) or go out once in a while but don’t give teddy bears or flowers yet. You may help her in very important stuff, but not if it sacrifices too much of your time or effort.
***IMPORTANT NOTE: By equipping Commitment you are prone to equip Desperation as well. Don’t. You’re in no position to demand or expect anything. Have patience. Be a gentleman and respect her. If she doesn’t reply your texts and such, remember that she has her life and decisions too. Also, equipping Desperation gives you -50% Dignity attribute thus almost 100% guaranteed ownage by Rejector.
***QUICK TIP: What girls want most is security, really. Your main strategy should be showing her you’re capable of taking care of her.

Level 5: Execute Mission: Phase 3 (Deploy air support and nuke)

Objective: Get her to love you
Now upgrade Personality from Sweet to Romantic. Congratulations, this is the teddybear/flower-buying, fancy dinner, lovey-dovey level. Do not forget to also upgrade to Commitment Lvl 2 (5x damage from Rejector). You have to take really good care of her and make her feel secure about the idea of having a relationship with you. Show that you really want her as yours and how much she means to you.
***IMPORTANT NOTE: Just because you bought her flowers, help her do this and that, it still doesn’t mean you have the right to have her. It helps you to get there, but again you’re in no position to demand anything. Don’t be surprised if another guy that didn’t do all these stuff eventually gets her. It just means you’re missing the point. In other words, just because you spend 5K on a quad-core, Crossfire rig with Razer Mamba mouse doesn’t mean you should win every FPS tournament in the world. Don’t be surprised if you got fragged by a person on a Dell Mini using only his trackpad (in this case, do commit suicide).
***REMINDER: No matter how wonderful things are between the two of you, please remember to always have the ERP (Emotion Recovery Pack) equipped. You still need it.

Level 6: Capture Map

Objective: Convert her to Girlfriend
Proposal time. When you’re BOTH comfortable with Personality (Romantic) and Commitment Lvl 2, make it official then . Use your creativity, you should know her very well now on how to please her. However for this level, make sure to have the ERP on a shortcut key because it is most important at this level if you’re attacked by Rejector (i.e. not accepted). When accepted (congrats!), you unlock the Bonus Level.

*BONUS LEVEL* Level 7: Sustain Map

Maintain Personality (Romantic) at upkeep above 90%. At this level you have already beaten the boss Rejector (byebye!) but you have a new enemy, named Dumpernator who deals 100x the damage of Rejector. This is the pro level. To maintain her as your girlfriend, you are required to upgrade to Commitment Lvl 3 and also construct your own defense towers. You have to show your love, care, support and that she means everything in the world to you, and also that you’ll make sure no one will harm her. This has to be done in all circumstances. Fights are inevitable, but settle with utmost respect. The efficiency of your ERP is reduced by 50% at this level. Combined with the threat of Dumpernator, you have to play very carefully. The consequences are horrifying, but you’ll have the most memorable times in your life .

ATTENTION

There is another enemy on any given map that can significantly damage you as well. It is called the Periodist. Fortunately, it only attacks you once per month. All the best.